I’m sitting writing this at 9:30pm after my Wife has gone to bed after another row about money. What I’m about to relate is the story of my life for the last 15 years or so, I’m not seeking sympathy or judgement. Just sound practical advice about where to go from here, TBH I’ve never told anybody else as I’m ashamed & I’m at my wits end.
I got married 17 years ago with a clean credit file & a lowly income, for the first few years all was fine. My Son was born approximately 15 years ago (this has a bearing) & I was working long hours & travelling a reasonable distance to work. Despite having a low income, we always met the bills & had a little to spare at the end of the month.
I was offered additional work & a better position (& Pay) so my hours got longer & longer. After 6 months or so I was taken Ill & admitted to Hospital. During this time it was agreed my Wife would take care of my financial affairs.
Oblivious to all I returned to work & back to the long hours, as I was away for up to 14 hours a day the previous financial arrangement remained in place. The Wife dealt with the finances & as long as I had money in my pocket I assumed all was well.
After about 5 months back to work I received a call in the office from the DHSS, the young lady on the phone enquiring about my return to work. When I gave the date I was accused of fraudulently claiming sickness & other benefits to the tune of £1700.
I took my Wife to task when I returned home who flew in to a rage & accused me of not providing enough to live on (£400 after tax a week 15 years or so ago). I asked to check the bank statements & the Wife told me that she had destroyed them.
It became apparent that my Wife was defrauding me; I’m at a loss to know where the money was going but obviously somewhere. Now as I had given her (unwritten) permission I was under the impression this was my responsibility & I had no desire to divulge my personal situation to others.
The deceit continued, the Wife swore blind that bank statements were never delivered. All bills were paid & food was on the table but there was no surplus at the end of the week/month. Then when I did get my hand on the odd statement I became aware of the bank charges, cheques written for £25 against a balance of £10, so murdered with bank charges.
I took to taking the cheque book to work with me, only to find the Wife had removed the “trigger cheque” from the book & was using the one that arrived shortly after.
Despite the long hours & the good rate of pay, the war between my Wife & I continued. To this day I estimate the money I have lost Inc bank charges etc at about £40 - £60k. In the end the bank grew tired of “my” persistent unauthorised overdraughts’ & reckless spending & closed my account.
The only option being to put my income in to my Wife’s account, by now there was a restless truce. My Wife assured me that she had gone through a bad patch & all was well, for the sake of our child (who I adore) I believed her.
All was well for a couple of years, however my Wife’s reckless approach to money continued, I tried hard to save but despite earning a good income we seemed only to have enough to “just” pay the bills.
Then one day she took a call on her mobile which I overheard despite her attempts that I shouldn’t. It was from our eldest (my stepson) son enquiring why when a credit check had been made he had a card against his name at our address. That’s when the floodgates opened; I found I had credit cards, shopping cards etc against my name which the Wife had taken out in my absence. One credit card alone was for £6800 for cash withdrawals alone.
In total another £30-£40k, I’ve paid most of this off as her father lent us the money on the understanding that I go no further with this. We have an IVA for another £10k or so.

Despite all this my Wife continues to lie, cheat & steal. Neither of us has a great deal to show for this, but my Wife does not seem the slightest bit concerned.
Right I am unable to get a bank account to be able to manage my own finances, believe me I tried. Banking advice please? & after all this time do I have any legal recourse against my Wife?

Believe me I’m extremely low at the moment & just need someone to chat too.
Thanks

I would suggest psychological help for your wife. Perhaps your doctor would be a good starting point for counselling. I would then contact the consumer credit counselling service who will be able to put your debts in order (free of charge), freeze any interest payments and get you back working towards a less stressful future. Hope this helps, be proactive - arguing is not productive - support each other and get professional help. please let me know if this helps. All the best.